'Do what scares you the most'.. well there are lots that scares the Jesus (or Krishna) out of me. To name a few: commitments, responsibilities, unemployment, loneliness, closed spaces, driving, heights, obstinate individuals, unhygienic restrooms, reptiles etc. I agree that in this life time I cannot 'do' them all, neither I want to, but in the year 2016, I found myself in an awkward place of doing some of these things. My all time best buddy killed himself and left all of us wondering what happened, I quit my job to move to India with my husband (I know! I know stop the eye-rolling you eye-brow-raised-snooty-feminists), I moved to INDIA (the insanely chaotic and disorganised country), I got a puppy (a living dog that lives with me, the free spirited Sagittarius in me is banging her head to the stone wall) and I found myself accidentally pregnant!!!!!
So yeah to sum it up, I am living my nightmare. I cried, complained, went through bouts of depression and blamed the universe. I became totally negative. I contemplated suicide and dreamt of abortion or eloping or both. I tried to get back desperately to the life I left behind, the un-pregnant me (although I was hoping someday I would be able to have a baby), the job (which I loathed), the city I left (which was never of my taste to begin with), the freedom of not having a puppy (inspite of wanting a puppy for last 8 years), in short I was a mess. I got what I wanted, I was ill prepared to accept the change. Change is never easy for strong willed people, as we try to cling on to our known self and get back to the 'last known configuration' in order to 'make it alright' and gain back control. The change specially was very difficult on me as I did not take myself kindly and reflected that on everything around. I wanted control back!!
My friend gently reminded me that these are the things I have always hoped for and these are the things I have now, so instead of celebrating every moment of success I hopelessly chose to look at the things I gave up willingly. They say you receive the kind of love you deserve and I deserved all the phases of love: the crazy teen ager, the eager young adult, the ambitious working professional, the avid traveller and now the contented family woman. So why did I hesitate to take up the last role? I can blame this on upbringing, patriarchal society, Indian hypocritical culture or to myself. I would blame this on myself. I got greedy and lost track. I wanted it all and not invest life force into it. When i see the puppy doze off in pure innocence and I see my baby on the monochromatic ultra-sound digital screen, I remind myself that to give unconditional love is the greatest way to be happy. It is the surest path to enlightenment and learning. No travel or success ever matched that feeling. I am ready now, its time to change.
Until next time.....
So yeah to sum it up, I am living my nightmare. I cried, complained, went through bouts of depression and blamed the universe. I became totally negative. I contemplated suicide and dreamt of abortion or eloping or both. I tried to get back desperately to the life I left behind, the un-pregnant me (although I was hoping someday I would be able to have a baby), the job (which I loathed), the city I left (which was never of my taste to begin with), the freedom of not having a puppy (inspite of wanting a puppy for last 8 years), in short I was a mess. I got what I wanted, I was ill prepared to accept the change. Change is never easy for strong willed people, as we try to cling on to our known self and get back to the 'last known configuration' in order to 'make it alright' and gain back control. The change specially was very difficult on me as I did not take myself kindly and reflected that on everything around. I wanted control back!!
My friend gently reminded me that these are the things I have always hoped for and these are the things I have now, so instead of celebrating every moment of success I hopelessly chose to look at the things I gave up willingly. They say you receive the kind of love you deserve and I deserved all the phases of love: the crazy teen ager, the eager young adult, the ambitious working professional, the avid traveller and now the contented family woman. So why did I hesitate to take up the last role? I can blame this on upbringing, patriarchal society, Indian hypocritical culture or to myself. I would blame this on myself. I got greedy and lost track. I wanted it all and not invest life force into it. When i see the puppy doze off in pure innocence and I see my baby on the monochromatic ultra-sound digital screen, I remind myself that to give unconditional love is the greatest way to be happy. It is the surest path to enlightenment and learning. No travel or success ever matched that feeling. I am ready now, its time to change.
Until next time.....
As usual, I like your writing style. Well yes it's true changes are difficult at times but the the difficult level escalates when we force hard not to accept the changes. Once we do it life starts flowing. It's like a stream of water; you block it and the water level rises and then comes lot of problems to the water itself and to its surroundings. Once the block is removed, the water flows smoothly and everything gets back to normal self. All our lives are like water. We flow as it is supposed to be. In due course of this flow we gather knowledge and experience. Until next time is what we always say. Be blessed....
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