I am a Mom!

After a depressing pregnancy, I could not wait to pop out the human who was sucking my life inside out. A long, slow and non-progressive labor continued for a day, before active labor was induced and the sheer pain of it pierced through my body!! I have never experienced anything like that before and the raw force of the hot pain blurred everything. At 13:24 on 14 November 2016 (Tuesday), after a tearing push and unexplainable feeling of a head popping out, there she was! Wrinkled, wet, naked, white peeling skin, weighing 3.09 kgs, she looked less human and more of a NatGeo specimen and I was asked to hold her. There she was, my daughter, Avantika!! 

I was too tired and spent to feel any other emotions, all I wanted to do was to doze off. As the epidural washed out gradually, afterpains, soreness and exhaustion took over. Once in my ward bed, she was handed over to me by her dad, for feeding and thats when the journey to motherhood started.

It was not a smooth transition, the breastfeeding made me feel she is sapping out all of my life force, the wakeful nights made me angry and her total dependancy on me frustrated me. As the weeks passed by I learnt to be a mother. 

I am not a conventional mom as portrayed in parenting books, or TV shows, or as preached by the older generations and internet bloggers. I like my me time, I enjoy a glass of wine a day (several times in a week), I like being well dressed, I like to steal out time for yoga and I don't exclusively breast feed her. Guess what! I don't even feel guilty (know as the infamous mom-guilt) for all these. I know am doing the best I can and I love her.

GOD! I LOVE HER!!!! I don't know how or when I fell in love but I do. Thats the only motherhood cliche that makes this whole thing worth its every minute. I love her just after knowing her for a month and I find her beautiful with a capital B. Isn't she???!!
I hope she shares my world and grows up to be  my best friend. I wish her a peaceful life filled with smiles and fortified with health. I want her to be herself and not be what anyone wishes for her to become or what I could not be. Last, but not the least, I want her never to be toughened by the world. Avantika: you have my  whole heart and you have my soul too, be the love that you deserve and be the change that you wish for. Your life has just begun, filled with possibilities and be aware that the journey is more important than the destiny. Enjoy the whole journey in all its phases and all its glory. Experience the joy and pains to the fullest and take in the whole spectrum of it.

In the meantime, I will savour my moments with you, till you fly on your own and leave the nest, my child. As the books say, motherhood 'is tough but its worth it!!'

Until next time....

The Fireplace

The romantic in me doesn't leave me alone for a minute. The stern exterior and realist that I presume and aspire to be, has no match to the stubbornness of the natural romantic instinct inflicted in me by some dark magic, I cannot fathom! I dream to be a lead character of a novel, directly from (in lack of better comparison) Mills & Boons, even better -  Nicholas Sparks. I dream to be in snow clad dreamy village, hushed out from the trams and rail roads, glittering and sun kissed, moist, cold and cosy. I dream to be there with a glass of Malbec, a good book, with the love of good man in my heart, I dream to dreaming beside The Fireplace.

I do not know how or when will this materialise or if at all, but I do know that this dream doesn't let me sleep. I dream of the dreams that I will build there, work for the work that will mean something to someone, I can hear the music of old classic playing like a christmas bell in my ears, even when the noise of daily life is deafening and all consuming. The sound of the silent lake, the windy forest like a chime and the company of pleasant solitude. Oh! did I smell the smoked turkey cooking in the kitchen with a hint of lavender or did I just smell the fresh lilies I just tucked into my ceramic vase?!? Did the again smell the old books, the moulds, the smell of a honest man whose grin warms up my home with a serene light and the smell of fresh lemon from the whites of a baby!! Did i smell warm dark coffee again brewing or fresh oven baked bread, smoked in the rustic setting, with a fresh smell of birds chirping. The splinters from the fireplace, the warmth radiating and spreading light all over the study, light that makes the shadows flicker and dance on the walls and makes me believe, my life is a blessing from the divine.

The different place, The fireplace, the corner I belong, the immensity in the boundaries of the study, the eternal identity I seek in the shadows on the wall, is it just a dream or the future beckoning? The Fireplace has the answer ;-)

Until next time....

I hate being pregnant!

I am almost 6 months pregnant. As the norm goes, am expected to enjoy the 'rest period' and 'bliss', I am expected to practice Kegel's exercise, perform prenatal yoga, eat healthy and be a couch potato (now that I am unemployed), while I wait to give birth to the 'miracle' and create a 'bundle of joy'. Well I hate being pregnant and judge me all nine ways but I am not apologising for that! 

I hate the heaviness and want to claim my body back, I hate the restrictive movement and the disturbed night sleep, I dread the days leading up to the final excruciating pain and then get the baby in hand, which obviously mean more work. I have never enjoyed general feminine bliss of mood swings and 'sensitivity'. That doesn't mean I never wanted to be a mother, I did but I do not enjoy the expectation leading upto that point. I watch my friends reach some phase of seniority in career, travel and get drunk, wear fancy clothes and some even find a new interesting partner. I am expected not do any of that and rather continue to lead a boring life leading upto the greatest bliss of my life- motherhood. Newsflash! I am not. I think motherhood is handwork and men have it easy, I think I am not a vessel and I own my body, I think after a woman has chosen to be a mother, the choice to enjoy or loathe that decision remains with the woman and not the society, specially not any man. I can't wait for this nightmare to be over and hold the baby in my arms, but I don't want all the responsibilities take away my life or passions. 

This misery is even minus the pregnancy symptoms and I don't even want to start on it. The two most passionate things I had, has been taken away: travel and yoga. The bloated intestine and occasional gagging, loneliness from being outcasted due to the phrase 'not allowed during pregnancy', makes me feel less of me. Living in a third world country doesn't help either, as I face scanning of eager eyes on road and scrutiny as well as unwanted advice, from total strangers. I keep getting bigger whereas my proud husband gets his coveted six packs, seems like an unreasonable compromise. The clumsiness and tired ness. God! am tired of being tired. This is all to feel more of woman, sorry not buying it. 

From here on I claim back my life, I wish to travel after delivery, go for yoga retreat and drink some of my favourite wine. I need to start my career and get back in shape again, I need to find love for myself so that I can radiate that to my little one. Till then its the darkest phase of my life and would not suggest any women to go through it, if they are not totally aware of the risks they are taking with themselves, DO NOT BUY IN TO THE MASS PROPAGANDA OF GLORIFIED MOTHERHOOD. It's your body and life, chose wisely. Until next time...

Time to change

'Do what scares you the most'.. well there are lots that scares the Jesus (or Krishna) out of me. To name a few: commitments, responsibilities, unemployment, loneliness, closed spaces, driving, heights, obstinate individuals, unhygienic restrooms, reptiles etc. I agree that in this life time I cannot 'do' them all, neither I want to, but in the year 2016, I found myself in an awkward place of doing some of these things. My all time best buddy killed himself and left all of us wondering what happened, I quit my job to move to India with my husband (I know! I know stop the eye-rolling you eye-brow-raised-snooty-feminists), I moved to INDIA (the insanely chaotic and disorganised country), I got a puppy (a living dog that lives with me, the free spirited Sagittarius in me is banging her head to the stone wall) and I found myself accidentally pregnant!!!!!

So yeah to sum it up, I am living my nightmare. I cried, complained, went through bouts of depression and blamed the universe. I became totally negative. I contemplated suicide and dreamt of abortion or eloping or both. I tried to get back desperately to the life I left behind,  the un-pregnant me (although I was hoping someday I would be able to have a baby), the job (which I loathed), the city I left (which was never of my taste to begin with), the freedom of not having a puppy (inspite of wanting a puppy for last 8 years), in short I was a mess. I got what I wanted, I was ill prepared to accept the change. Change is never easy for strong willed people, as we try to cling on to our known self and get back to the 'last known configuration' in order to 'make it alright' and gain back control. The change specially was very difficult on me as I did not take myself kindly and reflected that on everything around. I wanted control back!!

My friend gently reminded me that these are the things I have always hoped for and these are the things I have now, so instead of celebrating every moment of success I hopelessly chose to look at the things I gave up willingly. They say you receive the kind of love you deserve and I deserved all the phases of love: the crazy teen ager, the eager young adult, the ambitious working professional, the avid traveller and now the contented family woman. So why did I hesitate to take up the last role? I can blame this on upbringing, patriarchal society, Indian hypocritical culture or to myself. I would blame this on myself. I got greedy and lost track. I wanted it all and not invest life force into it. When i see the puppy doze off in pure innocence and I see my baby on the monochromatic ultra-sound digital screen, I remind myself that to give unconditional love is the greatest way to be happy. It is the surest path to enlightenment and learning. No travel or success ever matched that feeling. I am ready now, its time to change.

Until next time.....