I am almost 6 months pregnant. As the norm goes, am expected to enjoy the 'rest period' and 'bliss', I am expected to practice Kegel's exercise, perform prenatal yoga, eat healthy and be a couch potato (now that I am unemployed), while I wait to give birth to the 'miracle' and create a 'bundle of joy'. Well I hate being pregnant and judge me all nine ways but I am not apologising for that!
I hate the heaviness and want to claim my body back, I hate the restrictive movement and the disturbed night sleep, I dread the days leading up to the final excruciating pain and then get the baby in hand, which obviously mean more work. I have never enjoyed general feminine bliss of mood swings and 'sensitivity'. That doesn't mean I never wanted to be a mother, I did but I do not enjoy the expectation leading upto that point. I watch my friends reach some phase of seniority in career, travel and get drunk, wear fancy clothes and some even find a new interesting partner. I am expected not do any of that and rather continue to lead a boring life leading upto the greatest bliss of my life- motherhood. Newsflash! I am not. I think motherhood is handwork and men have it easy, I think I am not a vessel and I own my body, I think after a woman has chosen to be a mother, the choice to enjoy or loathe that decision remains with the woman and not the society, specially not any man. I can't wait for this nightmare to be over and hold the baby in my arms, but I don't want all the responsibilities take away my life or passions.
This misery is even minus the pregnancy symptoms and I don't even want to start on it. The two most passionate things I had, has been taken away: travel and yoga. The bloated intestine and occasional gagging, loneliness from being outcasted due to the phrase 'not allowed during pregnancy', makes me feel less of me. Living in a third world country doesn't help either, as I face scanning of eager eyes on road and scrutiny as well as unwanted advice, from total strangers. I keep getting bigger whereas my proud husband gets his coveted six packs, seems like an unreasonable compromise. The clumsiness and tired ness. God! am tired of being tired. This is all to feel more of woman, sorry not buying it.
From here on I claim back my life, I wish to travel after delivery, go for yoga retreat and drink some of my favourite wine. I need to start my career and get back in shape again, I need to find love for myself so that I can radiate that to my little one. Till then its the darkest phase of my life and would not suggest any women to go through it, if they are not totally aware of the risks they are taking with themselves, DO NOT BUY IN TO THE MASS PROPAGANDA OF GLORIFIED MOTHERHOOD. It's your body and life, chose wisely. Until next time...
